Friday, July 25, 2008

In Search of Stillness

Does the mind really sleep. At least mine doesn't. Or maybe rarely does. In my case since my mind is constantly talking to me, even when my mouth is not.My mouth too does it , the talking I mean , to me I mean. What I mean is I do talk to myself.Sometimes. Many times.I would think the mind would rest when I sleep. But I am someone who rarely, does not dream...I have vivid dreams almost every night which I remember in good detail the next morning. I think that is a way my mind has figured to talk to me even when I sleep.

No,no,no I do not need psychiatric evaluation. This is not at all about me hearing voices but rather about me always thinking. Initially in my early 20's I prided in the fact that I was probably one of the "thinker" types. I had some people, ...read my best friend turned lover turned husband and now also the father of my children tell me"you think too much". I scoffed at this statement and never failed to get into a purely, self serving, ego flattering discussion about how this thinking makes me a sensitive, intelligent, and passionate person. I truly believed this. A part of me is still hanging on to that belief.

But as I grow older and hopefully more mature I am beginning to understand the importance of quiet. I have to say that moments of quiet are difficult in my young household. I have 2 kids under the age of 4, a husband who takes pride in his Rajput lineage and repeats fondly the folklore about Rajputs from his village being known for their big noses and booming voices. So needless to say he dutifully honors his legacy and is never shy to use those legendary vocals. But admittedly I am no better. I am a loving mother. A mother who chose to stay back at home to look after her brood. Bui I am also a mother who is a screamer. I know its terrible. I was sure to have received hate mail after this confession but thankfully not many people read my blogs. So all this screaming around after my 2 tots has done its damage.(P.S the screaming usually accompanies a life threatening situation, it goes like this "you cannot smother your sister with a pillow" you will fall from the table and break your nose" you cannot run into a wall,"do not think of throwing anything from a moving car","don't bite your brother"........... On a normal given occasion when I speak to my husband he is like"why are you screaming?" and I am like "I am not screaming" all this while though definitely if not screaming I am what we would say very very loud.

Anyway the above is all bull. Because my constantly chattering mind is all my doing. I think I have not yet learnt the art of stillness, and being silent. I feel to quite an extent technology contributes to my problem. The phone, the television,the Internet,the audio system in my car, ipod etc etc etc. Yes and my beloved books too. Because all these make me think. I return to the conversations that have taken place. Books make me sad, angry,happy and definitely think. Music always makes me dream.Internet fires my imagination and even in the height of a balmy summer I can fly away to the pristine snow covered Austrian Alps within seconds of visiting a travel site. I always become the most loved character in a movie and relive every moment in the film. My mind and its thinking is like a car going on a highway. It takes exits and u - turns and alternate scenic routes and then joins the highway once again and takes another exit and on and on and on.....

I fool myself into thinking that if I was in a small tranquil mountain village I will achieve this much desired 'quiet'. But I know that's not true. I have to learn and master the art of disconnecting from everything and just being still and quiet.Even if for a couple of minutes. It also means distancing myself from my ego if not completely breaking away from it.I think in this stillness and being and absorbing lies the answer to understanding life and awakening to the purpose of my life.

2 comments:

Piper .. said...

you sure have adorable kids! "Dont run into a wall.."!!!! Hilarious!! :)

Venus Vinod Upadhayaya said...

Mental solitude is desired by every intelligent human being! There are those who cannot think and there are those who when learn to do so, forget how to keep it quite, when desired. You are not the only one facing this dilemma but yes you are one of those few who honestly admit it!

Mental Solitude can even be found when your kids are making lots of noise and if you experience it, you will see that the realtionship will become even more beautiful. It happens with time, ...you keep aspiring! All the best!