Monday, August 12, 2013
An Open Letter to Jenaab Omar Abdullah
Honorable CM Sahib, Jenaab Omar Abdullah ji ,
We are so glad that you finally dragged yourself away from tweeting. Understandably it must also be very difficult to stop ruminating over Kohli's decision to not let Parvez Rasool play the just concluded ODI series against Zimbabwe. But we are glad you moved on.
We the people of the Jammu Region, the minority, are elated that you are finally attempting to take stock of the 'situation' in Kishtwar. And are praying that Cricket, Tweeting or any such thing will not distract you from your job. Sir in my correspondence I will refer to the people of the Jammu Region which includes 10 Districts (Jammu, Kathua, Samba, Udhampur, Kishtwar, Doda, Rajouri, Poonch, Ramban and Reasi) as Jammuites to be fair and inclusive of all the Ethnic Identities...Dogras, Kishtwaris, Bhaderwahis, Kashmiri Pandits, Poonchis etc.
The people of the region as you might know, were already upset about the LOC ceasefire violations by our neighbor. The icing on the cake was the divided, and embarrassing reaction and the crude insensitive remarks about the incident by your political fraternity. The Kishtwar incident just further pushes us into the corner.
Your colleague Mr. Azad claimed in an interview to DD, that Kishtwar is one of the most peaceful districts in the state. True it is the land of Saffron and Sufis. But though the Saffron is still there, the Sufis have long gone. If I may remind Respectd Azadji, the Sufis have been replaced by home and 'across the border' grown terrorists and foreign mercenaries. As reported by many minorities from the region the city is always tensed, ahead of Eid. This known fact, definitely demanded more preparedness by the local administration.
You have gone on record saying “…As to how the situation developed, whether there were any administrative lapses, and if there were any lapses, who were responsible, and swift action will follow. Does this mean you assure us of the sacking of the Local MLA and State Minister of Home Sajjad Kitchloo for his very disturbing and conniving role in the carnage in Kishtwar.
The Local administration and the Police who stood by and allegedly aided the miscreants as the minority were being persecuted, must be booked. Sir, friends and relatives from Kishtwar are saying that the Police let enough time pass, before acting, hence allowing massive property damage. This definitely demands a high level investigation. The early reports stated, the injured being shifted to hospitals in other Districts as the local hospital refused to admit them. This news makes us very sad Jenaab.
I read somewhere that you asked who are these people who are protesting. Well Jenaab with some consternation and honesty we admit, that it is mostly us Jammuites who were and are protesting against the violence in Kistwar. But then someone had to.
The National media was busy reporting the trade verdict of 'Chennai Express'. Most of us love SRK Jenaab, but we love our bretherens from the Jammu Region too. So we chose to stand by them in their moment of crisis. We protest because we are scared and angry and want justice.
Sir, a 74 year old, who returned to the land of his ancestors, after a lifetime of hard work outside the state, is being advised to buy property in Delhi or Chandigarh, because the minorities fear that in 6-7 years Jammu Region would turn into Kashmir. Far-fetched? But its common knowledge Sir, we still await the rightful return of the Kashmiri Pandits.
We must share this with you, that the rumors going around amongst the minorities, suggest that this is just the beginning of the second act of Ethnic Cleansing. Many of us disagree, for though we are a minority, we are pretty stoic and are going no where. But it is also true that the fast changing demography of the State is because of forced migration. Migration arising due to such incidents and an atmosphere of fear and persecution.
Jenaab our people are angry. We pay our taxes, cast our vote and vow our allegiance to the State and the Nation. We proudly fly the Indian Flag, yet we have no voice and are almost invisible. We have been for a long time treated as that poor cousin, the unwanted house guest, who is humiliated and starved into fleeing the home
Sir you said some political parties take advantage and polarize such situations. You have hit the bulls eye Sir. This is what, always happens. It becomes a free for all. A 'Chance pe Dance Kar Le'...for all. We would humbly suggest, that you kindly make a note of that and next time in such an event make sure that there is a prompt, effective, and fair intervention by the State Government. Declaring Curfew at 12 pm and imposing it at 8pm, was not a very smart decision even by a long stretch.
We condemn the stray incidents of communal violence that followed, and feel that they were completely avoidable if the state Machinery had behaved differently.
Jenaab you have sprung into action by clamping curfew in 8 out 10 Districts of Jammu Region, preventing media from reporting, and have cut off mobile internet. You have not allowed the opposition from visiting Kishtwar. You said the local Administration in such situations make decisions to allow media, political leaders and others in the troubled areas. As well wishers, we must tell you that this is seemingly undemocratic. We suspect, you have your good reasons but this also does not seem fair, Sir.
In the Valley, whenever Geelani Uncle gets mad and wants support, his good friend Arundhati Roy flies past the Jammu Region and stands by him. An otherwise intelligent lady Ms. Roy, sadly, does not like us people of the Jammu Region. We have a sneaking suspicion Sir, that her friend Geelani Uncle has lead her to believe we do not exist.
You stopped Mr. Arun Jaitley, Mr Soz and Mehbooba Didi from visiting Kistwar. Why did you do that? It does not help your cause, for you should have nothing to hide.We are so desperate for attention, we Jammuites, since nobody wants to talk to us, we would have happily allowed anyone for a cup of Desi Chai and a word of empathy.
We have some other very important piece of news for you. Amongst the Jammuites, Narendra Modi, is gaining popularity, as fast as the Indian Rupee is losing its value. He it seems had heard of the Kishtwar incindent and remembered to speak for us even as he prepared to address his very important and big rally in Hyderabad. Sadly Sir, nobody else did.
Jenaab Omar Sahib, the young people from Jammu Region are afraid to talk about the incident on social networking sites now, because they fear a backlash and even arrest. If they could, they would tell the Nation, that the loss of life and damage to property is much more than being shown on National Media.
We are a simple and gentle people, us Jammuites. You have suspended the Machail Mata Yatra, the Buddha Amaranth Yatra and the Amarnath Yatra, which are very important for us, but we will live. In fact we are doing all, to make things easy for the Yatris/Pilgrims who are stuck in different base Camps.
But we hope in return, that we do not have to remind you, to do the needful. We expect appropriate compensation to the victims, a probe into the incident and holding responsible both miscreants and Civil Authorities including, your Minister of State Sajjad Kitchloo, for the dastardly acts.
Jenaab Omar Abdullah, the Jammu Region, is rooted in a culture of love, tolerance, and co-existence. Since we are peace loving, you do not have to remind us to maintain peace. But we also have a strong Martial Tradition and can stand up for our Rights. So do not test our patience and most certainly do not take us for granted.
Yours Truly,
Concerned Minority - The People of the Jammu Region.
P.S: The Word Minority is demeaning and not our favourite way to describe ourselves, but it does seem to have an attention grabbing quality and hence its factual but liberal use.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
An Open Letter to Jenaab Omar Abdullah
Honorable CM Sahib, Jenaab Omar Abdullah ji ,
We are so glad that you finally dragged yourself away from tweeting. Understandably it must also be very difficult to stop ruminating over Kohli's decision to not let Parvez Rasool play the just concluded ODI series against Zimbabwe. But we are glad you moved on.
We the people of the Jammu Region, the minority, are elated that you are finally attempting to take stock of the 'situation' in Kishtwar. And are praying that Cricket, Tweeting or any such thing will not distract you from your job. Sir in my correspondence I will refer to the people of the Jammu Region which includes 10 Districts (Jammu, Kathua, Samba, Udhampur, Kishtwar, Doda, Rajouri, Poonch, Ramban and Reasi) as Jammuites to be fair and inclusive of all the Ethnic Identities...Dogras, Kishtwaris, Bhaderwahis, Kashmiri Pandits, Poonchis etc.
The people of the region as you might know, were already upset about the LOC ceasefire violations by our neighbor. The icing on the cake was the divided, and embarrassing reaction and the crude insensitive remarks about the incident by your political fraternity. The Kishtwar incident just further pushes us into the corner.
Your colleague Mr. Azad claimed in an interview to DD, that Kishtwar is one of the most peaceful districts in the state. True it is the land of Saffron and Sufis. But though the Saffron is still there, the Sufis have long gone. If I may remind Respectd Azadji, the Sufis have been replaced by home and 'across the border' grown terrorists and foreign mercenaries. As reported by many minorities from the region the city is always tensed, ahead of Eid. This known fact, definitely demanded more preparedness by the local administration.
You have gone on record saying “…As to how the situation developed, whether there were any administrative lapses, and if there were any lapses, who were responsible, and swift action will follow. Does this mean you assure us of the sacking of the Local MLA and State Minister of Home Sajjad Kitchloo for his very disturbing and conniving role in the carnage in Kishtwar.
The Local administration and the Police who stood by and allegedly aided the miscreants as the minority were being persecuted, must be booked. Sir, friends and relatives from Kishtwar are saying that the Police let enough time pass, before acting, hence allowing massive property damage. This definitely demands a high level investigation. The early reports stated, the injured being shifted to hospitals in other Districts as the local hospital refused to admit them. This news makes us very sad Jenaab.
I read somewhere that you asked who are these people who are protesting. Well Jenaab with some consternation and honesty we admit, that it is mostly us Jammuites who were and are protesting against the violence in Kistwar. But then someone had to.
The National media was busy reporting the trade verdict of 'Chennai Express'. Most of us love SRK Jenaab, but we love our bretherens from the Jammu Region too. So we chose to stand by them in their moment of crisis. We protest because we are scared and angry and want justice.
Sir, a 74 year old, who returned to the land of his ancestors, after a lifetime of hard work outside the state, is being advised to buy property in Delhi or Chandigarh, because the minorities fear that in 6-7 years Jammu Region would turn into Kashmir. Far-fetched? But its common knowledge Sir, we still await the rightful return of the Kashmiri Pandits.
We must share this with you, that the rumors going around amongst the minorities, suggest that this is just the beginning of the second act of Ethnic Cleansing. Many of us disagree, for though we are a minority, we are pretty stoic and are going no where. But it is also true that the fast changing demography of the State is because of forced migration. Migration arising due to such incidents and an atmosphere of fear and persecution.
Jenaab our people are angry. We pay our taxes, cast our vote and vow our allegiance to the State and the Nation. We proudly fly the Indian Flag, yet we have no voice and are almost invisible. We have been for a long time treated as that poor cousin, the unwanted house guest, who is humiliated and starved into fleeing the home
Sir you said some political parties take advantage and polarize such situations. You have hit the bulls eye Sir. This is what, always happens. We would humbly suggest, that you kindly make a note of that and next time in such an event make sure that there is a prompt, effective, and fair intervention by the State Government. Declaring Curfew at 12 pm and imposing it at 8pm, was not a very smart decision even by a long stretch.
We condemn the stray incidents of communal violence that followed, and feel that they were completely avoidable if the state Machinery had behaved differently.
Jenaab you have sprung into action by clamping curfew in 8 out 10 Districts of Jammu Region, preventing media from reporting, and have cut off mobile internet. You have not allowed the opposition from visiting Kishtwar. You said the local Administration in such situations make decisions to allow media, political leaders and others in the troubled areas. As well wishers, we must tell you that this is seemingly undemocratic. We suspect, you have your good reasons but this also does not seem fair, Sir.
In the Valley, whenever Geelani Uncle gets mad and wants support, his good friend Arundhati Roy flies past the Jammu Region and stands by him. An otherwise intelligent lady Ms. Roy, sadly, does not like us people of the Jammu Region. We have a sneaking suspicion Sir, that her friend Geelani Uncle has lead her to believe we do not exist.
You stopped Mr. Arun Jaitley, Mr Soz and Mehbooba Didi from visiting Kistwar. Why did you do that? It does not help your cause, for you should have nothing to hide.We are so desperate for attention, we Jammuites, since nobody wants to talk to us, we would have happily allowed anyone for a cup of Desi Chai and a word of empathy.
We have some other very important piece of news for you. Amongst the Jammuites, Narendra Modi, is gaining popularity, as fast as the Indian Rupee is losing its value. He it seems had heard of the Kishtwar incindent and remembered to speak for us even as he prepared to address his very important and big rally in Hyderabad. Sadly Sir, nobody else did.
Jenaab Omar Sahib, the young people from Jammu Region are afraid to talk about the incident on social networking sites now, because they fear a backlash and even arrest. If they could, they would tell the Nation, that the loss of life and damage to property is much more than being shown on National Media.
We are a simple and gentle people, us Jammuites. You have suspended the Machail Mata Yatra, the Buddha Amaranth Yatra and the Amarnath Yatra, which are very important for us, but we will live. In fact we are doing all, to make things easy for the Yatris/Pilgrims who are stuck in different base Camps.
But we hope in return, that we do not have to remind you, to do the needful. We expect appropriate compensation to the victims, a probe into the incident and holding responsible both miscreants and Civil Authorities including, your Minister of State Sajjad Kitchloo, for the dastardly acts.
Jenaab Omar Abdullah, the Jammu Region, is rooted in a culture of love, tolerance, and co-existence. Since we are peace loving, you do not have to remind us to maintain peace. But we also have a strong Martial Tradition and can stand up for our Rights. So do not test our patience and most certainly do not take us for granted.
Yours Truly,
Concerned Minority - The People of the Jammu Region.
P.S: The Word Minority is demeaning and not our favourite way to describe ourselves, but it does seem to have an attention grabbing quality and hence its factual but liberal use.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
All in the Line of Duty
My almost 9 year old: " I don't think A (lil sis) can watch the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Maybe I can, if I skip that 'bit' ".
Me like an animal who catches the first whiff of danger : " Why what is that 'bit' "?
After a lot of stuttering and stammering and searching for appropriate words,the almost 9 year old: " In that movie everybody has become very, very old and so they kiss or something"
Me with alarm bells ringing in my head but maintaining composure " How old is very , very old"?
The almost 9 year old: " 14-15"
Me in a panic now: " 'They' do it at 14-15 maybe, but we Indians don't.
Indians do 'all that' at 30".
The almost 9 year old and yet gullible : " Okay..yes".
Me who doesn't know when to let it go shouting after the departing boy: " And Indians do 'all that' after they finish studying, find a good job and marry...."
The almost 9 year old and already disinterested : "I know, I know at 30".
Satyam Vada/ Speak the Truth, has taken a beating today....all in the line of duty. Sigh.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Citizenship : Looking Inwards
As I walked to the park for my morning run today I crossed the Civic Centre parking area. They had a sign which said "Citizenship Parking". It meant that many who have applied for British Citizenship will be taking their Oath and pledging their allegiance to their new Country and her Queen. Hence the need for extra parking space today. I saw many Indians walking in, dressed in their best. And all I felt was deep sadness, a sense of loss and failure.
I have always been Patriotic. I almost did not marry the love of my life because he was planning to move to the US. I was one of the biggest reasons why he chose to stay with an Indian Company at a time when it was a piece of cake for anyone in IT to move to the US. Happily enough as destiny would have it, we have travelled far and wide with that Indian Company and on our Indian Passports.
A few years back, a younger, more hot headed me could not understand why people chose to give up their Indian Passports. It made me angry and resentful. I wanted to shout (ridiculously enough) Bharat Mata ki Jai and Vande Matram in their faces. I wore my Indian Citizenship as a bright red cape around my shoulders, if not a halo on my head. In my mind those who chose to give up their Indian Citizenship, were abandoning their Country of birth. I saw it as an easy way out. Cowardice. Escapism. Lack of Integrity.
Life and time have enabled me to see their point of view too. And that was the start of sadness and a sense of failure.
I have seen a small town, high school graduate, a widow with a one year old child, move to the US and live a life of dignity and relative comfort. Her daughter, going to the same school as other more affluent children and exposed to almost similar opportunities. I shudder to think how different it could have been for them in India.
I know a Mother whose child has special needs. And yet here, the child has access to the best services and most importantly equal opportunities. Why will she go back to a Country where meeting the most basic needs of her child like access to schools, public places will be a huge challenge for her?
Another friend works hard to meet ends meet. She is a single parent with a job which does not pay much. Yet her child attends the same school as my children. The differences in our incomes has not prevented her child from getting quality education. Going back would mean sending the child to a Government run school. The state of our government run, subsidized schools leaves much to be desired.
Different people, different reasons. I try to and understand their reasons. Sometimes its about money and opportunities, and more often its about lifestyle and easy access to basic services. Albeit some reasons of 'practicality' and 'convenience', I will never understand. Since to me, my passport is more than a document.
The anger has gone, leaving behind a sense of shame and failure. I feel, I failed all these people who do not want to live in my country anymore.
Me and my Nation have also failed those, who live in my country, but still hang onto their Foreign Passports like a security blanket. My Nation has failed to win their trust.
I wonder how we reached a point, where we congratulate others on acquiring a new Citizenship status and actually celebrate it.
I secretly hope for the day when my children who are naturalized American Citizens, having been born there, as adults will choose Indian Passports over their American ones for a love of the country.
Food, water, security, health,education and equal opportunity is what every man wants. I do not blame all those who give up their Indian passports. If man is in a fight or flight mode he can never develop. And every man has a right to live and in a place of his choice.
Having said this I will not lessen the work and sacrifices of all those who have done so much for India. Those friends, relatives and acquaintances who work in different sectors, working hard to make a difference. They had a choice and they chose to do this. I live in awe of them.
I cannot undermine individual responsibility for the state of my Nation. One of my nightmares is being driven to a situation, where I am forced to seek refuge or citizenship in a country other than my country of birth. I see enough people at work who have been driven out of their lands, uprooted, lost and yearning to return. I am grateful for the the choice and the freedom to live in my homeland. And even more grateful to the people who make this a possibility.
I hold onto my Indian Passport proudly. I am still not in a place where I take it lightly. My identity and my passport has given me much. I am proud of it. My Nation is my Mother...chaotic but mine.
My Passport has given me strength to face racist barbs head on. I will not cower because I begged you to take me in. I belong to India and I am here only for a reason. It gives me these words. A Voice. A Stand.
Durlabham Bahrate Janama...its a rare privilege to be born in India. I truly believe that. I am grateful for being born in my country and into my Philosophy. But I wait and work towards a day when the Indian Passport will be cherished and sought after.
So I maybe happy for people and my many friends because they are getting what they wanted, but I do not have the heart to congratulate them on this day.
I have always been Patriotic. I almost did not marry the love of my life because he was planning to move to the US. I was one of the biggest reasons why he chose to stay with an Indian Company at a time when it was a piece of cake for anyone in IT to move to the US. Happily enough as destiny would have it, we have travelled far and wide with that Indian Company and on our Indian Passports.
A few years back, a younger, more hot headed me could not understand why people chose to give up their Indian Passports. It made me angry and resentful. I wanted to shout (ridiculously enough) Bharat Mata ki Jai and Vande Matram in their faces. I wore my Indian Citizenship as a bright red cape around my shoulders, if not a halo on my head. In my mind those who chose to give up their Indian Citizenship, were abandoning their Country of birth. I saw it as an easy way out. Cowardice. Escapism. Lack of Integrity.
Life and time have enabled me to see their point of view too. And that was the start of sadness and a sense of failure.
I have seen a small town, high school graduate, a widow with a one year old child, move to the US and live a life of dignity and relative comfort. Her daughter, going to the same school as other more affluent children and exposed to almost similar opportunities. I shudder to think how different it could have been for them in India.
I know a Mother whose child has special needs. And yet here, the child has access to the best services and most importantly equal opportunities. Why will she go back to a Country where meeting the most basic needs of her child like access to schools, public places will be a huge challenge for her?
Another friend works hard to meet ends meet. She is a single parent with a job which does not pay much. Yet her child attends the same school as my children. The differences in our incomes has not prevented her child from getting quality education. Going back would mean sending the child to a Government run school. The state of our government run, subsidized schools leaves much to be desired.
Different people, different reasons. I try to and understand their reasons. Sometimes its about money and opportunities, and more often its about lifestyle and easy access to basic services. Albeit some reasons of 'practicality' and 'convenience', I will never understand. Since to me, my passport is more than a document.
The anger has gone, leaving behind a sense of shame and failure. I feel, I failed all these people who do not want to live in my country anymore.
Me and my Nation have also failed those, who live in my country, but still hang onto their Foreign Passports like a security blanket. My Nation has failed to win their trust.
I wonder how we reached a point, where we congratulate others on acquiring a new Citizenship status and actually celebrate it.
I secretly hope for the day when my children who are naturalized American Citizens, having been born there, as adults will choose Indian Passports over their American ones for a love of the country.
Food, water, security, health,education and equal opportunity is what every man wants. I do not blame all those who give up their Indian passports. If man is in a fight or flight mode he can never develop. And every man has a right to live and in a place of his choice.
Having said this I will not lessen the work and sacrifices of all those who have done so much for India. Those friends, relatives and acquaintances who work in different sectors, working hard to make a difference. They had a choice and they chose to do this. I live in awe of them.
I cannot undermine individual responsibility for the state of my Nation. One of my nightmares is being driven to a situation, where I am forced to seek refuge or citizenship in a country other than my country of birth. I see enough people at work who have been driven out of their lands, uprooted, lost and yearning to return. I am grateful for the the choice and the freedom to live in my homeland. And even more grateful to the people who make this a possibility.
I hold onto my Indian Passport proudly. I am still not in a place where I take it lightly. My identity and my passport has given me much. I am proud of it. My Nation is my Mother...chaotic but mine.
My Passport has given me strength to face racist barbs head on. I will not cower because I begged you to take me in. I belong to India and I am here only for a reason. It gives me these words. A Voice. A Stand.
Durlabham Bahrate Janama...its a rare privilege to be born in India. I truly believe that. I am grateful for being born in my country and into my Philosophy. But I wait and work towards a day when the Indian Passport will be cherished and sought after.
So I maybe happy for people and my many friends because they are getting what they wanted, but I do not have the heart to congratulate them on this day.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Do we really need to Justify?
Its getting repetitive and it is nowhere near ending.
And we do this to each other again and again and again.
Lifestyle choices need not be justified until and unless they affect the larger good of a large number of people.
If the personal is not overflowing into the public, let it rest.
If my decision has an impact on me, my family, my community and society at large it is for me to think, introspect and act.
In the process of justifying my choices do I judge others unfairly?
Are my reasons in any way a reflection of a desire to assuage my own guilt and confusion?
To feel safe in others acknowledgement?
Today we tend to feel better about ourselves by thinking less of the others...be it people, lifestyles or choices.
The above could apply to anything and so many things but today it is in reference to this article in Huffington Post titled " Dear daughter, here's why I work".http://www.huffingtonpost.com/parentingcom/dear-daughter-heres-why-i_b_3069576.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 I was appalled to read the letter which supposedly addresses an eight year old child. The child asks her Mother if she loves her work more than her and her brother. This is a question which most working moms have heard in their lifetimes.
It will not be wrong to say that this questions is not uncommon for the stay-at-home moms too.
Behind this question I perceive an innocent attention and love hungry child seeking reiteration and declaration of love from the one person she values the most...Mother. It definitely did not warrant a reply and I quote here "The question breaks my heart, and as you are almost 8, I'm pretty sure it was designed to. Don't worry; I don't hold it against you. Daughters are meant to know and agitate their mother's vulnerable spots --it's part of the special intimacy we share. I did the same thing to my mom, giving her the business for going back to work part-time when I was a even older than you, after she'd spent years at home raising me, my brother and sister. I'll be sure to bring our conversation up over and over again when you're an adult and facing the same kinds of comments from your own daughter, like my mom does to me. (P.S. Mom, really sorry--again!)".
Is it really an eight year old child being addressed here? The Author just called her daughter manipulative, inferring that the question was designed to break the Mother's heart, all the while being guilty of the very same thing...manipulation.
She tells her not to worry, that this will not be held against her. Was there a chance of this Mother holding a grudge against her child for having asked this question ?
And what could be behind the laced threat of I will surely bring this conversation up again and again when you are in a similar situation. Is she being vindictive?
And how can she predict what her daughter's life will be like or has she already made the choices for her daughter?
Will the Mother admit falling flat on her face when and if the daughter chooses to stay at home to do an equally important and rewarding 'job' of taking care of her children?
Will the Mother be sour if the daughter is blissfully happy with her choices?
I will refrain from discussing at length as to how the definition of normalcy and surreal are different for different people.
Leaving a three month old child behind, to get back to work might be surreal for the author.
And agreeably, going back to work could mean going back to normalcy for many.
But for many others, leaving behind a vulnerable, dependent three month old baby to go back to work maybe extremely irregular and unnatural.
Understandably for some its not even a choice but 'majboori'(lack of choice) financial or otherwise.
The Author goes on to compare her love for her job to her daughter's love for art. Which was alright till she asks her daughter"What if I told you it was your art ... or me? Sure, you'd choose me (I hope) if you had to, but wouldn't that feel like an unfair choice to make?"
This bit is confusing for even me ,an adult. Its sends mixed signals. A bit of misplaced blackmail and then grovelling for love. The Author expresses her hope that her child chooses her over what she loves to do...art.
Is this not a Mother clearly hoping to hear that she would be more important in her child's life, above all other things.
She specifically refers to her child's artwork/passion.Why is it necessary for me to turn my passion and creativity into a full time paying job? It may actually kill my joy in it.
Is the eight year old child not expressing the same hope when she asks if she and her sibling are loved more than their Mother's job?
Don't we as human beings inherently harbour a desire to be loved and cherished unconditionally?
"And if you do, I hope your love of creating doesn't get sacrificed for the people you love, whether you make money from it or not. I hope you choose a partner that wants that for you too."
When did sacrifice as a quality become dishonorable?
Maybe my reference points are different or I sleepwalked through a time when I became more important than we, us, family, and community.
The Author hopes that a love for work or creating is not sacrificed for the people you love.
Tell that to the women who leave behind flourishing careers to attend to their children because they feel instinctively, that it is the right thing to do.
Tell that to a husband who takes voluntary retirement to attend to a sick ailing wife.
Tell that to a son who returns home, leaving behind better career prospects to be closer to his aging parents.
I know all of the above. People who do not think twice in giving up something they love for someone they love.
"I work because I love it.
I work because scratching the itch to create makes me happy, and that happiness bleeds over into every other area, including how patient and engaged and creative a mother I am."
The above reasons are reasons which I can finally relate to.
This is exactly why I started working part time.
It gave me an opportunity to scratch that itch and yet do it on my time and my terms.
If something makes me a better , happier Mother why not?
Be it a stay at home Mom or a Working Mother...Motherhood is super challenging and super rewarding for both.
"I work because this nice house and those gymnastics lessons and those sneakers you need to have are all made possible by two incomes."
I wish you had not given this embarrassingly skewed logic after you were so honest and endearing in your reasons of doing it simply because you love it and the fact that it makes you a better person, a better Mother at the end of the day.
You just told an eight year old that she would be less happier or a lesser person if she did not have that pair of sneakers. She was much better owning them.
Are a nice house and fancy gymnastic lessons so important to one's well being I wonder?
Is success and happiness limited to a well paying career and material acquisitions?
It seems to me that in absence of any other reference point, success or purpose in life has become synonymous with running after objective happiness.
"...you'd never ask your father why he works. His love is a given that long hours at work do nothing to diminish."
The above statement is not true. My children ask their Father for his time and attention. His long hours at work have lead to a feeling of alienation and have not been the best moments in our family life. His time and attention are equally important.
The Author makes me feel that in order to earn my children's respect and pride I need to be financially employed. If it refers to being able to indulge in my creative passions I stand corrected. But for that I need not be employed necessarily.
If I think that a job is what it would take for me to feel more pride in my Mother than I already have, I would seriously question my values.
Having said that I have tremendous respect for those many women who had to work to keep the home fires burning.
"I work because even at your young age you've absorbed the subtle message that women's work is less important and valuable -- and that the moms who really love their kids don't do it."
On the contrary my children think Mommy is a Super Mom without a cape. She can do what daddy does but daddy cannot do what she does at home.
They have an understanding that however fun Daddy is, it is Mommy who is naturally gifted to be a nurturer.
It is only Mommy who has red flags being raised mentally, if they did not have spinach or Brussels sprouts in their diet at least twice a week.
Daddy loves them but he does not have special powers which allows Mommy to know exactly what they are thinking or doing even when she is not there.
Even when I had not started working part-time, I had told them that Mommy chose not to work because she felt that, that was the right thing for her to do.
They are confident in their knowledge that all Mommies everywhere irrespective of what they do and don't, love their children above everything else.
Let us not justify our reasons for doing what we do. If we are clear, secure and happy in our understanding and our choices, there should be no reason to talk about it.
I too am confident that all Mommies everywhere irrespective of what they do and don't, love their children above everything else.
And we do this to each other again and again and again.
Lifestyle choices need not be justified until and unless they affect the larger good of a large number of people.
If the personal is not overflowing into the public, let it rest.
If my decision has an impact on me, my family, my community and society at large it is for me to think, introspect and act.
In the process of justifying my choices do I judge others unfairly?
Are my reasons in any way a reflection of a desire to assuage my own guilt and confusion?
To feel safe in others acknowledgement?
Today we tend to feel better about ourselves by thinking less of the others...be it people, lifestyles or choices.
The above could apply to anything and so many things but today it is in reference to this article in Huffington Post titled " Dear daughter, here's why I work".http://www.huffingtonpost.com/parentingcom/dear-daughter-heres-why-i_b_3069576.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 I was appalled to read the letter which supposedly addresses an eight year old child. The child asks her Mother if she loves her work more than her and her brother. This is a question which most working moms have heard in their lifetimes.
It will not be wrong to say that this questions is not uncommon for the stay-at-home moms too.
Behind this question I perceive an innocent attention and love hungry child seeking reiteration and declaration of love from the one person she values the most...Mother. It definitely did not warrant a reply and I quote here "The question breaks my heart, and as you are almost 8, I'm pretty sure it was designed to. Don't worry; I don't hold it against you. Daughters are meant to know and agitate their mother's vulnerable spots --it's part of the special intimacy we share. I did the same thing to my mom, giving her the business for going back to work part-time when I was a even older than you, after she'd spent years at home raising me, my brother and sister. I'll be sure to bring our conversation up over and over again when you're an adult and facing the same kinds of comments from your own daughter, like my mom does to me. (P.S. Mom, really sorry--again!)".
Is it really an eight year old child being addressed here? The Author just called her daughter manipulative, inferring that the question was designed to break the Mother's heart, all the while being guilty of the very same thing...manipulation.
She tells her not to worry, that this will not be held against her. Was there a chance of this Mother holding a grudge against her child for having asked this question ?
And what could be behind the laced threat of I will surely bring this conversation up again and again when you are in a similar situation. Is she being vindictive?
And how can she predict what her daughter's life will be like or has she already made the choices for her daughter?
Will the Mother admit falling flat on her face when and if the daughter chooses to stay at home to do an equally important and rewarding 'job' of taking care of her children?
Will the Mother be sour if the daughter is blissfully happy with her choices?
I will refrain from discussing at length as to how the definition of normalcy and surreal are different for different people.
Leaving a three month old child behind, to get back to work might be surreal for the author.
And agreeably, going back to work could mean going back to normalcy for many.
But for many others, leaving behind a vulnerable, dependent three month old baby to go back to work maybe extremely irregular and unnatural.
Understandably for some its not even a choice but 'majboori'(lack of choice) financial or otherwise.
The Author goes on to compare her love for her job to her daughter's love for art. Which was alright till she asks her daughter"What if I told you it was your art ... or me? Sure, you'd choose me (I hope) if you had to, but wouldn't that feel like an unfair choice to make?"
This bit is confusing for even me ,an adult. Its sends mixed signals. A bit of misplaced blackmail and then grovelling for love. The Author expresses her hope that her child chooses her over what she loves to do...art.
Is this not a Mother clearly hoping to hear that she would be more important in her child's life, above all other things.
She specifically refers to her child's artwork/passion.Why is it necessary for me to turn my passion and creativity into a full time paying job? It may actually kill my joy in it.
Is the eight year old child not expressing the same hope when she asks if she and her sibling are loved more than their Mother's job?
Don't we as human beings inherently harbour a desire to be loved and cherished unconditionally?
"And if you do, I hope your love of creating doesn't get sacrificed for the people you love, whether you make money from it or not. I hope you choose a partner that wants that for you too."
When did sacrifice as a quality become dishonorable?
Maybe my reference points are different or I sleepwalked through a time when I became more important than we, us, family, and community.
The Author hopes that a love for work or creating is not sacrificed for the people you love.
Tell that to the women who leave behind flourishing careers to attend to their children because they feel instinctively, that it is the right thing to do.
Tell that to a husband who takes voluntary retirement to attend to a sick ailing wife.
Tell that to a son who returns home, leaving behind better career prospects to be closer to his aging parents.
I know all of the above. People who do not think twice in giving up something they love for someone they love.
"I work because I love it.
I work because scratching the itch to create makes me happy, and that happiness bleeds over into every other area, including how patient and engaged and creative a mother I am."
The above reasons are reasons which I can finally relate to.
This is exactly why I started working part time.
It gave me an opportunity to scratch that itch and yet do it on my time and my terms.
If something makes me a better , happier Mother why not?
Be it a stay at home Mom or a Working Mother...Motherhood is super challenging and super rewarding for both.
"I work because this nice house and those gymnastics lessons and those sneakers you need to have are all made possible by two incomes."
I wish you had not given this embarrassingly skewed logic after you were so honest and endearing in your reasons of doing it simply because you love it and the fact that it makes you a better person, a better Mother at the end of the day.
You just told an eight year old that she would be less happier or a lesser person if she did not have that pair of sneakers. She was much better owning them.
Are a nice house and fancy gymnastic lessons so important to one's well being I wonder?
Is success and happiness limited to a well paying career and material acquisitions?
It seems to me that in absence of any other reference point, success or purpose in life has become synonymous with running after objective happiness.
"...you'd never ask your father why he works. His love is a given that long hours at work do nothing to diminish."
The above statement is not true. My children ask their Father for his time and attention. His long hours at work have lead to a feeling of alienation and have not been the best moments in our family life. His time and attention are equally important.
The Author makes me feel that in order to earn my children's respect and pride I need to be financially employed. If it refers to being able to indulge in my creative passions I stand corrected. But for that I need not be employed necessarily.
If I think that a job is what it would take for me to feel more pride in my Mother than I already have, I would seriously question my values.
Having said that I have tremendous respect for those many women who had to work to keep the home fires burning.
"I work because even at your young age you've absorbed the subtle message that women's work is less important and valuable -- and that the moms who really love their kids don't do it."
On the contrary my children think Mommy is a Super Mom without a cape. She can do what daddy does but daddy cannot do what she does at home.
They have an understanding that however fun Daddy is, it is Mommy who is naturally gifted to be a nurturer.
It is only Mommy who has red flags being raised mentally, if they did not have spinach or Brussels sprouts in their diet at least twice a week.
Daddy loves them but he does not have special powers which allows Mommy to know exactly what they are thinking or doing even when she is not there.
Even when I had not started working part-time, I had told them that Mommy chose not to work because she felt that, that was the right thing for her to do.
They are confident in their knowledge that all Mommies everywhere irrespective of what they do and don't, love their children above everything else.
Let us not justify our reasons for doing what we do. If we are clear, secure and happy in our understanding and our choices, there should be no reason to talk about it.
I too am confident that all Mommies everywhere irrespective of what they do and don't, love their children above everything else.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Letter from the 'Hot-Phulka Making Woman'
Dear Author,
I just finished reading your article, pretentiously titled " Home truths on Career Wives". The reference point of your mind bogglingly ridiculous article, the film 'Cocktail', is one I am yet to watch but thanks to many reviews I have an idea of the stereotypical underlying theme of the film.
I am intrigued by your motives to writing such an article. Were you trying to earn brownie points from your wife, the COO of some Bank as portraying yourself as the Champion of Women's Rights?
I hate to be the one to break the news that you did not score well with women other than maybe those related to you or those who read this article in a hurry and missed the finer details and the horrifying conclusions you draw.
You stand by in your words with " capable, independent, career-oriented woman". You are obviously surprised and clearly clueless about the life choices made by 'hot-phulka' making women who take care of home and hearth. I need to know what you mean and understand by 'capable' women?
Those women who are employed are 'capable' in earning a livelihood but the flip side you choose to conveniently overlook is that they may be 'incapable' (as confessed by many working women friends) of staying at home and being a full time Mother, a Carer for the elderly... invaluable to her family and community.
You define 'capability' strangely and seem to think that everything from making rotis, to raising children, being at home to take care of elderly parents can be 'outsourced'. You fail to see the strength of character of the women who play these roles. Outsourcing the task of earning money to the husband suddenly makes a woman weak, dependent and incapable is a conclusion pretty skewed.
You refuse to entertain the idea that many strong, intelligent and capable women..professionals... see it simply as Division of Labour ..one partner working outside the home and the other in the home, within the family and community. This work structure is not hierarchical in nature and both partners deem each other as equals. In my part of the world I have friends with degrees in Dentistry and Medicine and Engineering who have chosen to make their children their priority and are extremely capable of switching roles between full-time Mommies and career professionals.
You are as you claim disturbed by women portrayed as finding salvation in making daal and roti for their husbands. I am standing right beside you if making roti and daal for husband or anyone is seen as a path to 'salvation' for any woman or man for that matter. The Director of the Film needs a lesson in Faith and Spirituality. But then again, so do you.
I see you have a soft spot for Marissa from 'the other part of the World'. You do not fail to mention that she is a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company and will be back at work soon after delivering her baby. Impressive indeed as she just generated employment by 'outsourcing' the care of her baby to someone else. An inspiration to men and women alike you said. To some possibly...but road to salvation ...this is certainly not.
I would have have given you some credit if you had championed the cause of my super-women, awe-inspiring Mommy and Career Women friends. But you failed yet again and how so. You talk of 'benefits' of choosing a ' capable, independent and career-oriented woman'. I was just wondering if you were referring to monetary 'benefits'... double income salaries, bigger home and grander holidays. And yes, not surprisingly you were. She is some sort of a meal ticket and to quote you helps you afford a 'decent apartment'. You advise your fellow men and promote this particular kind of woman, as someone 'enormously beneficial' in a world of 'expensive apartments and frequent layoffs'. You see her career not as her choice, something she wants to do for herself but as a golden pass to a grander home, and financial security and that makes you less of a man in my opinion. For you come out as a person who has little or no faith in oneself. The faith that you would be able to earn a living by yourself. Where is your sense of independence I wonder?
I started having difficulty in following you train of thought when you said a career woman can better relate to Organizational issues. Running a home and even attempting to ensure a happy,wholesome and safe childhood for my children is one of the most herculean organizational tasks I have undertaken. The one that is most fraught with a heightened sense of responsibility. The biggest investment of all with very little room for mistakes and generously peppered with moments of unadulterated joy too. As I have been employed elsewhere I speak from experience. Nothing comes close to it.
You cracked me up when you said a working woman is better exposed to the World. What does that even mean? You say 'she brings back knowledge and information that can be useful to the family'. What can that be about, I wondered and scratched my head. By now attuned to your reach and scope of thoughts I tried guessing...the latest HR initiative, the thrilling delivery status, the excitement of a Product Launch, the list of the top 10 Fortune 500 companies, the new pay structure, promotions, office politics ...? Are we from the same planet? Is that what you call Knowledge? I was wondering if I had stepped the line by writing something so rude and unlike my character when I read that you define knowledge and information as " latest deals, best mutual funds to invest in' and the most hilarious of all 'new holiday destinations'. What you need is a travel agent or a financial advisor not a wife if that is the information you are seeking from her.
You talk of Quality of Life being better for working women with such confidence I feel you have not seen overly stressed, constantly exhausted, guilt-ridden women trying to juggle home and career. I just started working part-time and have been worried about the mental and physical state of women who try to do it all. As if being a Mother was not the toughest job ever, add to it the pressures of the work environment and a husband like you who at the end of the day hopes to piggy-back his way to a better home and a fun holiday destination...bless her!
A gentle reminder.. fulfillment and satisfaction are a mental state not a position, holiday, or address.
I was about to resign myself to the fact that at least you attempted to stand with my working women friends but alas, you fall from grace when you mention that there are 'drawbacks' too in being with a career woman.
You proudly said that you have outsourced 'phulka-making' to someone else. I have a sneaking suspicion that it must be another woman doing your most looked down upon task. You hurt another working woman yet again. Sigh.
I share your pride in your working Mother and wife but ask you to share my pride in my Mother who stayed at home to raise me. And unlike what you said I was not mollycoddled and am a very independent, and free-spirited woman. I grew up emotionally secure and trusting of the most important relationship in my life. My Mother raised me well.
My children already appreciate the fact that I give them priority over my own career aspirations. My decision that my career could wait but my children could not is something I am proud of and personal. I knew they would grow up too fast and there are no re-winds in life. I chose to enjoy each moment and give due justice to each stage and role in my life. I need not justify my position to anyone and my choice also does not stop me from respecting the decision of my working women friends and celebrating their success with a huge sense of pride. Will you believe me when I say that I have got back the respect and love from all my intelligent, working women friends in good measure.
I hope that however much your article seems to pit one group of women against the other, you will be seen as you are... shallow, fake and unconvincing. Some of the terms you have used for the women you are supporting stresses my point.. ' she brings enormous benefits and is an asset'.
You have reduced women to being a product. You argue which 'product' is better. You list their benefits and drawbacks.
You ask others to bear in mind not to judge women on the way they dress, interest in the kitchen and the confidence in their voice. And I say exactly the same thing to you.
You regale and infuriate me with your stereotyping and presumptions. I am at home but have little interest in cooking but love to read. I can think and write and have opinions. I also know whats happening around me and in the world. I do public speaking with 'confidence in my voice'. I am learning new skills, am productively engaged, and feel important, alive and happy. Does that shock you?
You are the one who is regressive, and intolerant of different choices and lifestyles or are living in a strange part of the world where you have not met intelligent, confident and proud women who have chosen to stay at home for a reason. You have a lot of un-learning to do. And you could start with respecting all women and their choices.
Any intelligent woman..working or not will see through you. I wanted to say more but I need to get back to (gasp!) some 'hot-phulka making'.
Your truly,
Not at all an incapable, dependent or oppressed Woman.
P.S : I refer to your article http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/sunday-toi/all-that-matters/Home-truths-on-career-wives/articleshow/15243750.cms
Friday, February 10, 2012
All in a Few Moments of Play
We kicked off the Half-Term Break today. Enjoying the snow covered landscape from the comforts of a well heated home, it could not have been better. After the serious task of penning down our targets, both learning targets and fun targets for the 10 day long holiday, it was playtime. And Mommy had no way of escaping it.
Being the clever Mommy that she is, she decided to use the game to her advantage. The children were gently prodded to play Doctors and convinced that they should be the "Massage Doctors" while Mommy could be the achy patient. Below are the hilarious, snatches of the conversation between the clever Mommy-The Achy- Patient while being massaged by the two gullible Doctors.
Scene 1: The Diagnosis Begins and Words of Wisdom follow..
Doctor A1 : "When did this pain start?"
The Conniving Mom (CM): "Well the on-off pain in the legs and lower back started after my first baby"
At this without a word Doctor A2 takes it upon herself to whack the first born and the culprit here.
Doctor A1 after some thought and a moment of guilt advises : " I know it must have hurt to have that baby and that may make some people think they should not have babies, but if you think in your real heart, it is nice to have children"
Point taken Doctor. :)
Scene 2 : You can Run but you cannot Escape ....Old Age!!
Doctor A2 after spotting a gray strand or two, screams: " There is white in your hair!!!!"
The CM reminds herself to stock up on hair dye.
Doctor A1 kindly whispering( so as not to hurt the patients feelings) to Doctor A2 : " She is old but she is still doing ok".
Doctor A1 to the Patient: " You are old but I am happy to tell you that you are lucky enough to still have many years to play with your children"
The CM says a silent prayer of thanks.
Scene 3 : Well at least Someone Gets It...
Doctor A1: "Are you a Mother of 2 kids?"
The CM: "Yes"
Doctor A1: "Then I advise you to have weekly massages"
The CM to herself "Hell Yeah!"
Scene 4 :Foot in the mouth moment for the Conniving Mommy
The CM : "Any medical advise Doctor? "
Doctor A1: "You could lose some weight"
Scene 5 Payback for The Conniving Mommy; Embarass her Time
Doctor A2: "Can I style the hair on your legs?"
Note to myself: winter does not mean, you do not wax.
Scene 6: The Final Word.
Doctor A1: "You are old, but not that old and you still have loads of years to live"
The CM : Hallelujah!!!!
Being the clever Mommy that she is, she decided to use the game to her advantage. The children were gently prodded to play Doctors and convinced that they should be the "Massage Doctors" while Mommy could be the achy patient. Below are the hilarious, snatches of the conversation between the clever Mommy-The Achy- Patient while being massaged by the two gullible Doctors.
Scene 1: The Diagnosis Begins and Words of Wisdom follow..
Doctor A1 : "When did this pain start?"
The Conniving Mom (CM): "Well the on-off pain in the legs and lower back started after my first baby"
At this without a word Doctor A2 takes it upon herself to whack the first born and the culprit here.
Doctor A1 after some thought and a moment of guilt advises : " I know it must have hurt to have that baby and that may make some people think they should not have babies, but if you think in your real heart, it is nice to have children"
Point taken Doctor. :)
Scene 2 : You can Run but you cannot Escape ....Old Age!!
Doctor A2 after spotting a gray strand or two, screams: " There is white in your hair!!!!"
The CM reminds herself to stock up on hair dye.
Doctor A1 kindly whispering( so as not to hurt the patients feelings) to Doctor A2 : " She is old but she is still doing ok".
Doctor A1 to the Patient: " You are old but I am happy to tell you that you are lucky enough to still have many years to play with your children"
The CM says a silent prayer of thanks.
Scene 3 : Well at least Someone Gets It...
Doctor A1: "Are you a Mother of 2 kids?"
The CM: "Yes"
Doctor A1: "Then I advise you to have weekly massages"
The CM to herself "Hell Yeah!"
Scene 4 :Foot in the mouth moment for the Conniving Mommy
The CM : "Any medical advise Doctor? "
Doctor A1: "You could lose some weight"
Scene 5 Payback for The Conniving Mommy; Embarass her Time
Doctor A2: "Can I style the hair on your legs?"
Note to myself: winter does not mean, you do not wax.
Scene 6: The Final Word.
Doctor A1: "You are old, but not that old and you still have loads of years to live"
The CM : Hallelujah!!!!
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